TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have One more position in which American Guys can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: provide Everybody a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is Trump Tower Damascus soft electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It's that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where company could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down service."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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